I’m exhausted. Keeping up with this .. smiling .. loving .. hiding my sadness and trying to be a normal human being is hurting me. I’m getting sicker by the day, my body is weak, and I’m losing some of my bodily functions – and I don’t know if this is temporary or permanent.

And all of this for what ..

I don’t want to live like this forever. I can’t stay like this. I want to go and rid myself of this never ending torture.

And here I am writing this to myself like a crazy person. Maybe I have gone crazy. Who’s there to tell me what I’ve become deep inside.

These past few weeks I’ve lied so much about my wellbeing, probably more than I have ever lied in my whole life.

Imagine being hurt by the one person .. that one person. That person your happiness .. and your misery and sadness .. that’s .. so .. hard to take in.

I wanna go. I don’t want to live anymore. At least when I’m dead .. never mind.

Wishing my days are over soon.

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