It has been a while since I last posted here. I thought that maybe if I stopped writing, I’d feel better.

I was wrong. Sure, some time has gone by and things are relatively better than before. A lot better. At least that’s the general perception to her.

I haven’t gotten any better. I just got better at hiding it and controlling myself as to not show everything as much as I used to before a few months. That shitty history .. I’m not “ok” with and I never will be. That is something I will never make my peace with.

She might never read this or anyone else, but whatever. There’s a lot going on with my doctor. I can no longer see colors in my right away. And my sense of touch is a bit .. lost .. on my right hand. I don’t know if this is permanent or not.

The reason I don’t want her to be in my healing process or whatever is that I don’t want to see how tired I am and remember that it is all because of her.

My nightmares are the same, and I keep seeing faces now all the time. While talking, having sex, in public, or with family.

I count the days I leave this world.