It’s complicated.

This is very complicated. It is getting harder day by day.

Something happened before, in the past, that is driving me crazy now, but I can’t do anything about it, and it is about someone I love, yet it hurts, but there’s nothing to do about it. But it exists. It happened. It still is. At some point of time, it was happening. And I was alive, and maybe in the picture.

I can’t stop imagining – though I would do anything – her texting all day and talking at night (throw in sending some explicit photos) to another human being. Let alone riding in a car, talking about whatever. Sure, a military person – with their high intellect – focuses on doing nice stuff for a girl he got to know from the street (or social media?). Sure, let’s talk like friends.

And what’s worse is that I was in the picture. I knew her. I was loving her. I was literally making gifts for her. Thinking of ways to make her feel .. special. But no, there was disgustingly another person .. actually in two periods of time. First when I barely knew her, she told she was in a relationship – and I don’t know what kind of relationship, but it clearly involved sex. I hope it wasn’t a raw, animalistic, relationship where “Hey, I’m horny, when can we fuck?”

I wish it wasn’t her who initiated the sex wanting.

As for part two, it was a guy who she’d send pictures to. Ride in the car with. Because he’s nice and has a charming way of talking maybe? So yeah, let’s go ahead and send him photos. Nude? Lingerie? Gym? She was working out at the time. Fuck, was I sent photos others have seen?

Fuck this. All of this. Fuck whatever I know, knew, and saw.

It is like cancer eating through me. I feel weaker day by day.

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