I spoke to a therapist yesterday. I didn’t hear a lot of new things, mostly reaffirming of what I know and what I did. That might be a bit a relief. A tiny bit.
I don’t know if the exercises I was given will help. It is already something I am doing, but it a controlled timing.
I still imagine her being undressed. Laying somewhere. Bed, sofa, poolside maybe? And that scum doing what he did. It wasn’t a one time thing which means it was planned for and meant. She wanted it. Several times. 2-3 times means 3 times. No one forgets stuff like this. It kept on happening and only God knows why it stopped.
Did she enjoy it really as our sex life is? Or what is because she had the irresistible urge to please someone and her being unable to say no? Was she blackmailed? Was it money? Did she enjoy it physically or not? When it was happening, did she enjoy it mentally because she was tired?
I still imagine and hear the moans, see the thrusting and movement. How did it end? Inside? Outside? Hands? Mouth? Tissues used? Stood up to the bathroom? What was the first word said after washing up? Where did they sit after doing it and washing up?
Close to each other? Far away? Or did she just stay close to him after sex as that is what she likes? To feel safe and intimate? What the fuck was it?
I can’t help it.