It’s gotten so bad that I now don’t want to look at old photos – anything between 2015 and mid 2017.

It doesn’t take a genius to understand why. During this period of time, others were enjoying this face. A face of another person who’s changed not so much of what I see gladly everyday.

But that old face reminds of what was happening during that time. A face others saw, before me, in many different ways. A beautiful face but not angelic and pure. I always noted that look she had. Even before.

I now hate hot weather, beachside, chalets and sea activities. God knows what happened before. My blood boils when she mentions sea or chalet. I just imagine – hell, remember – a long drive on a road with sand on both sides, with music playing in the car, and a notifications coming every now and then. With a face not so angelic, knowingly and willingly going and driving somewhere. To .. be fucked by an asshole only god knows what she thought about.

Then after she’d arrive, she’d park. Maybe he would be standing outside giving her directions. Next up she might open the door next to her or the rear one and pick up her hand bag. Well it is summertime. Tan? Maybe? Special lingerie? Toys? Maybe a photo shoot by the seaside or a swimming pool?

Yeah. Just hearing the world “chalet” brings this all up and I haven’t even started yet.

I might be acting normal again right now, doing my daily chores, eating and staying active again. Deep down inside .. it’s a mess. I know I won’t heal. I’ll never be myself again, to myself.

Fuck life.

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